Comedy Weekend at Czars Central: Comp

[El Presidente]

Our Prime Minister kicked it off this weekend with his Donald Trump impersonation at a black tie charity ball. If an Aussie can find an audio file of it....please post it up ...very very good. 

So this weekend.....your best Joke but

 

• no more than three per member (different posts). 
• Keep them clean "ish". You know how far the boundaries can be stretched. 
• Post in this thread 
• The winner is determined by the most  "likes".  
• Last Entry Monday 5pm. 
• Winner determined Tuesday 3pm local. 
• The earlier you post your piece of comedy gold...the more chance you have of winning!

Prize?......a 5 cigar sampler picked by myself. 

 

OVER TO YOU:   Post in This Thread 

[Thomasdenaro]

well here goes....

 

In the great days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an outpost in Africa … to relieve the retiring Colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches without crusts, etc) that protocol decreed, the retiring Colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this Regiment. His talent is simply boundless."


Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hump-backed, one-eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of ..."

Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your personnel file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off."

[Fuzz]

A man was mowing his lawn when he happened to look into his neighbour's window and see four small statues in a row on a shelf.

The first one is holding his nose,

the second is pointing to the next one,

the third is in a fighting stance facing the second statue,

and the last one has its head in its hands,

The man sees his neighbour come home and he calls him over, "Hey! I just noticed those four statues on your shelf. What do they mean?"

The neighbour replies, "Ah, those four statues are special and represent different things. The first one is the 'Sense of Smell', the second is 'Direction', the third, 'Defense', and the last one is 'Sorrow'".

The man looks embarrassed and exclaims, "Oh! Is that what they mean?! I thought it was.... 'Who Farted?', "You Did!', "I Didn't!!', "I Did...'"

[Dimmers]

How do you find Will Smith in the snow ??

You look for the fresh prints.

[polarbear]

Whats ET Short For?

Cause he's got little legs

[polarbear]

Why do Bees stay in their hive during the winter?

S'warm

[Dimmers]

Apologies in advance to our Irish brethren....

 

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. Paddy’s two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

[shlomo]

How does a nun become pregnant?

 

 

 

 

Dress as an altar boy.

[shlomo]

How can you tell the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer?

 

 

 

 

 

The taste.

[shlomo]

A man and his wife travel to the same island and hotel in the pacific where they had their magical honeymoon 40 years ago.

They walk into the same hotel room and the wife says "let me go change into something more comfortable".

The man, lying comfortably on the bed when his wife comes out of the bathroom, looks her up and down with a sparkle in his eyes.

Wife asks "what were you thinking about 40 years ago this night?"

Husband replies "I wanted to F your brains out and suck your tits dry"

Wife- "mmm hmmm, oh! And what are you thinking about now?"

Husband, eyeing his wife up and down - " I did a good job"

 

[Fuzz]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doctor, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[Bartolomeo]

When does a Cubscout become a Boyscout?

 

 

 

When they eat their first Brownie

[RickHendeson]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

 

 

 

U neek up on it.

[Fuzz]

A young man was eating in a diner when an old couple walked in and sat in the booth behind him. After their meal, he overheard the old man say to his wife, "Darling, do you remember the last time we were here 40 years ago, when we made love against the fence behind the diner?"

His wife replied, "Yes dear, I do remember that. It was wonderful."

The old man asked, "Shall we go round back and give it one more go for old time's sake?"

The wife agreed and the couple quickly paid their bill and left. The young man, surprised and a little shocked to hear such vigour in their voices thought to himself, "I have got to see this for myself".

The man leaves the diner and sneak around the back to see the old couple slowly walking round back, holding on to each other. Finally they get to the back of the diner and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the young man has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The young man is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't
know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The young man, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something
else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man shakily replies, "Yeah, forty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence."

[shlomo]

7 minutes ago, Fuzz said:

A young man was eating in a diner when an old couple walked in and sat in the booth behind him. After their meal, he overheard the old man say to his wife, "Darling, do you remember the last time we were here 40 years ago, when we made love against the fence behind the diner?"

His wife replied, "Yes dear, I do remember that. It was wonderful."

The old man asked, "Shall we go round back and give it one more go for old time's sake?"

The wife agreed and the couple quickly paid their bill and left. The young man, surprised and a little shocked to hear such vigour in their voices thought to himself, "I have got to see this for myself".

The man leaves the diner and sneak around the back to see the old couple slowly walking round back, holding on to each other. Finally they get to the back of the diner and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the young man has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The young man is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't
know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The young man, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something
else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man shakily replies, "Yeah, forty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence."

Haha, thought about putting this one up too!

[...]

Three Christian missionaries travels through the deep African jungle in the hope of finding unknown tribes to convert.

After months of fighting off mosquitoes and the luxuriant vegetation, they stumble upon an hidden village. They quickly get captured and brought to the village elder.

Surrounded by the tribe, the old man ask the missionaries to choose their punishment for trespassing on their sacred land. To the first 'What punishment will you take, death or the Aabuutcha!'

Since the church man feels he has so much godly work still ahead of him, death wouldn't do... 'I'll take the abutcha...'

The elder yells 'He has chosen to suffer the Aaaabuuuuuutchaaaa!' to which the villagers scream loudly. A large tribal warrior gets out of a clay hut, grabs the first prisoner and proceeds to savagely rape him.

Having the first victim released, the elder then turns to the second captive and ask him 'What punishment will you take, death or the Aabuutcha!'

The second missionary, thinking about what has just happened and having just seen his life pass right in front of his eyes can't commit to death. After all, he feels he still has so much to offer, he needs to write a book about his life to tell the tale and his comrade's ordeal didn't seem so bad.

The elder yells 'He has chosen to suffer the Aaaabuuuuuutchaaaa!' which sends the tribe into a frenzy. Three large tribal warriors get out of the clay hut, surround the second prisoner and proceed to ravage him ferociously.

Having the second victim released, the elder then turns to the last captive and ask him 'What punishment will you take, death or the Aabuutcha!'

The poor missionary has seen too much for his chaste eyes, he feels like he couldn't cope as bravely as his comrades have with the ordeal and plus, what now, how many warriors would come out this time? An honourable death, a quick death would do.

The elder yells 'He has chosen death.... by the sacred  Aaaabuuuuuuuutchaaaaaaa!'

[Bill Hayes]

A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's
attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?", he asks.

"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy.

"Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat,
a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, a brown paper jacket,
and brown paper boots. 
He has brown paper pants held up by a brown paper belt
with a brown paper holster holding a brown paper gun
that shoots brown paper bullets."

"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy.

"Rustlin'...", replies the Sheriff.

[cigcars]

      One early evening a lady was having a dinner party at her house when the doorbell rang.  She answers the door and standing down at the door was a little boy who was holding a little kitten in his hands. The little boy asked, "Would you like to buy a tute titten?" (his little front teeth were out so he had the cutest little lisp). "What did you say?" the lady said amused. The little boy asked, "Would you like to buy a tute titten?" "Jasper come to the door!" she calls out to one of her guests. "Listen to this! Now what did you ask, little boy!?" Again, holding the little animal up: "Would you like to buy a tute titten?" "Frank, Arlene, come to the door!" as he calls some of the other guests to the door. "Now what did you ask, little fellow!?" Sighing with a mild bit of exhaustion, "Would you like to buy a tute titten?" And they're all standing at the door grinning and gently smiling and chuckling. They asked one more time, "Now what did you say!" as they were getting a real and pleasant kick out of this cute little lad. They had to hear it again. "Would you like to buy a tute titten?" And they're chuckling, smiling, quietly giggling at this cute little man. Finally the little boy says, "Lithen, do you want thith doddamn tat or not?"

 

[burntpowder]

A man decided to go on a safari. He took his faithful dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, “Oh boy, I’m in deep stuff now.” Then he notices some bones lying nearby on the ground and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, “That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew”, says the leopard. “That was close. That dog nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So off he goes. But the dog sees him heading off after the leopard and figures that something is amiss. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans about the dog’s ruse and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Hop on my back, monkey, and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine. “Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “Oh boy, it looks like I’ve really had it now.”

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to the leopard and the monkey and pretends that he hasn’t seen them. And just when they get close enough to hear him, the dog says… “Where is that monkey? .. I sent him off an hour ago to get me another leopard and he’s still not back.”



Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk

[Auspaul]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one." The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

[zeedubbya]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[zeedubbya]

Three blondes decide to go to Disneyworld.  The drive for 12 hours and come upon a sign that says Disneyworld Left.  So they went home.  

[Jeremy Festa]

This guy boards a transatlantic flight, London to New York, sitting business class.

He takes his seat and as the rest of the flight is boarding a smoking hot 20-something walks on and he says to himself "please God, sit next to me." 

Much to his surprise, she sits down right next to him. 

They strike up conversation and chat about the reasons for travelling etc etc.

He is heading over for an I.T. work conference. She is heading over for a sex conference. 

"A sex conference?" he inquires.

She goes onto explain that she is actually presenting the results of her recent study, conducted as her university thesis, which looked at Global Sexual Trends. 

She went on to explain it delves into, psychology, romance, even physiological differences across race, religion and gender, and that the convention is actually very scientific and more about health and wellbeing than the sex. 

She stated, "I was looking to consolidate, establish and dismiss where possible, the many myths and misconceptions that mislead today's youth since the advent of the internet and the growing online porn industry." 

Truly fascinating stuff. It sounded super interesting, so the man inquires further. 

The young lady perks up at the genuine interest and tells him some of the more fascinating findings. 

"One major misconception we uncovered is that of penis size, all populations have their outliers and freaks of nature, but on average, the native American-Indian population are the most well endowed of all males on the planet. A good 20 to 30% larger." 

"Unbelievable" says the man. "What else?"

"Most people think the French are the most romantic culture" she says, "but in fact it is the Greeks that scored WAY higher than everyone!"

"Wow, I never would have thought that!" he said. 

"And the best lovers ("in bed" she whispers) were the Irish!!! While everyone thought it was the Italians!" 

"This was 4 years of research, 27,500 participants, with rigorous constraints and the data is highly correlated. Which is why I have been invited to present." 

"Outstanding" said the man "well done." 

The young lady then says "I am so sorry, I have been so rude, just blabbing on and on, I don't even know your name, I am Linda Johnson." And stretches out her hand. 

The man shakes her hand and says... "I am Tonto.... Tonto Pappodopolous.... but my friends call me Paddy." 

 

 

[Auspaul]

11 minutes ago, Jeremy Festa said:

This guy boards a transatlantic flight, London to New York, sitting business class.

He takes his seat and as the rest of the flight is boarding a smoking hot 20-something walks on and he says to himself "please God, sit next to me." 

Much to his surprise, she sits down right next to him. 

They strike up conversation and chat about the reasons for travelling etc etc.

He is heading over for an I.T. work conference. She is heading over for a sex conference. 

"A sex conference?" he inquires.

She goes onto explain that she is actually presenting the results of her recent study, conducted as her university thesis, which looked at Global Sexual Trends. 

She went on to explain it delves into, psychology, romance, even physiological differences across race, religion and gender, and that the convention is actually very scientific and more about health and wellbeing than the sex. 

She stated, "I was looking to consolidate, establish and dismiss where possible, the many myths and misconceptions that mislead today's youth since the advent of the internet and the growing online porn industry." 

Truly fascinating stuff. It sounded super interesting, so the man inquires further. 

The young lady perks up at the genuine interest and tells him some of the more fascinating findings. 

"One major misconception we uncovered is that of penis size, all populations have their outliers and freaks of nature, but on average, the native American-Indian population are the most well endowed of all males on the planet. A good 20 to 30% larger." 

"Unbelievable" says the man. "What else?"

"Most people think the French are the most romantic culture" she says, "but in fact it is the Greeks that scored WAY higher than everyone!"

"Wow, I never would have thought that!" he said. 

"And the best lovers ("in bed" she whispers) were the Irish!!! While everyone thought it was the Italians!" 

"This was 4 years of research, 27,500 participants, with rigorous constraints and the data is highly correlated. Which is why I have been invited to present." 

"Outstanding" said the man "well done." 

The young lady then says "I am so sorry, I have been so rude, just blabbing on and on, I don't even know your name, I am Linda Johnson." And stretches out her hand. 

The man shakes her hand and says... "I am Tonto.... Tonto Pappodopolous.... but my friends call me Paddy." 

 

 

Was just going to post that one

[Auspaul]

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. But she said "grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."