El Presidente Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 No political statements No profanity, Nothing racist ( an Irishman, American and Rabbai walked into the bar is not racist). maximum two entries per person FOH's strength is that we have members from all over the world of different religions, races and sexes. Before you post, think "would I post that if Lisa, Abdul or Ken were here in front of me" Prize for the best 4 jokes as determined by member vote (if tied we will do a random draw) is 4 x samplers chosen by myself Get deleted however, and prize is a free 90 day holiday Enjoy. I am looking forward to some excellent weekend laughs! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post El Presidente Posted August 16, 2018 Author Popular Post Share Posted August 16, 2018 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeyjb Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ayepatz Posted August 16, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted August 16, 2018 A bloke comes home late from the pub. His wife says, “Did you have a good time?” He says, “It was fine until that arrogant sod from number fifteen arrived and started up with his rubbish again.” ”What was he saying this time?” asks the wife. ”He was boasting that he’s had sex with every woman in our street except one.” he says. The wife thinks for a moment, then replies, ”Probably that stuck up bitch at number eight.” 3 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeyjb Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 THE DANGERS OF THE INTERNET So Bruce is reading his emails when he gets an email from his next door neighbor Charlie. The email reads 'Hi Bruce, I've been using your wife for years now. I feel really bad. I'd like to give you $3,000 to cover it' Bruce grabs his gun, heads next door, and shoots Charlie dead. Bruce returns home and spends the rest of the evening drinking. Bruce checks his email before bed and there's an unread email from Charle. The email reads 'Hi Bruce, I meant WIFI not WIFE.. stupid auto-correct. All the best, Charlie!' 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oliverdst Posted August 17, 2018 Share Posted August 17, 2018 Ahahaha Why did you remove my post?? No way it was racist, maybe the cap would fit for too many?? Ahahhauahauaja Schrodinger, guys, Schrodinger. PS: the cat, the box, Schrodinger... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Akela3rd Posted August 17, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted August 17, 2018 Ooh, that's a cue for a physics joke...Schrodinger and Heisenberg get pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop asks "Do you know exactly how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies "No, because we knew exactly where we were." Thinking this to be suspicious the cop searches the car and asks them to pop the trunk. He then returns to the window and says "Did you know you had a dead cat in your trunk?" and Schrödinger replies "Well, we couldn't be sure until someone looked." They were both promptly arrested.Sent from my ActionMan walkie-talkie 4 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlackFriar Posted August 17, 2018 Share Posted August 17, 2018 How do you get your spouse to scream up and down while you are having sex? Call em up and tell em about it! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlackFriar Posted August 17, 2018 Share Posted August 17, 2018 19 minutes ago, Akela3rd said: Ooh, that's a cue for a physics joke... Schrodinger and Heisenberg get pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop asks "Do you know exactly how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies "No, because we knew exactly where we were." Thinking this to be suspicious the cop searches the car and asks them to pop the trunk. He then returns to the window and says "Did you know you had a dead cat in your trunk?" and Schrödinger replies "Well, we couldn't be sure until someone looked." They were both promptly arrested. Sent from my ActionMan walkie-talkie What’s the integral of one over cabin dcabin? log cabin. (Well ln cabin to be exact ?) 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Fuzz Posted August 17, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted August 17, 2018 A man goes to see his doctor for his yearly physical. Man: "So doctor, do you think I'll live a healthy, long life?" Doctor: "I don't really think so somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." Man: "I don't go in for that astrology crap!" Doctor: "Neither do I. But I just broke my thermometer...." 4 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeyjb Posted August 17, 2018 Share Posted August 17, 2018 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeyjb Posted August 17, 2018 Share Posted August 17, 2018 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Nekhyludov Posted August 17, 2018 Share Posted August 17, 2018 1 hour ago, Akela3rd said: Ooh, that's a cue for a physics joke... Schrodinger and Heisenberg get pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop asks "Do you know exactly how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies "No, because we knew exactly where we were." Thinking this to be suspicious the cop searches the car and asks them to pop the trunk. He then returns to the window and says "Did you know you had a dead cat in your trunk?" and Schrödinger replies "Well, we couldn't be sure until someone looked." They were both promptly arrested. Why was Heisenberg so bad in bed? When he got the momentum, he couldn't find the position, and when he found the position, he couldn't get up the momentum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Nekhyludov Posted August 17, 2018 Share Posted August 17, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cigcars Posted August 17, 2018 Share Posted August 17, 2018 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeyBones777 Posted August 17, 2018 Share Posted August 17, 2018 Why shouldn't you shower with a pokemon? Cuz he might pikachu. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ayepatz Posted August 17, 2018 Share Posted August 17, 2018 Just got back from one of those “once in a lifetime” holidays. ... Never again. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeyBones777 Posted August 17, 2018 Share Posted August 17, 2018 What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean. You're welcome. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Auspaul Posted August 17, 2018 Share Posted August 17, 2018 An elegant weapon from a more civilised age Wife laughed so hope its not offensive 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Auspaul Posted August 17, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted August 17, 2018 Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God." 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fuzz Posted August 17, 2018 Share Posted August 17, 2018 A guy is sitting in a bar and asks the barman, "Hey, what's the wifi password?" Barman says, "You need to order a drink first." Guy says, "Okay, I'll have a Coke." Barman replies, "Is Pepsi okay?" Guy thinks for second and say, "Sure. So what is it the wifi password?" Barman replies, "You need to order a drink first. All lower case and no spaces." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post MooseAMuffin Posted August 17, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted August 17, 2018 A police officer pulls up next to a blonde woman who appears to be knitting while driving. The officer rolls down his window and tells the blonde to pull over. The blonde shakes her head no and continues to knit while driving. The officer again shouts, "Pull over!". The blonde shakes her head no, holds up what she is knitting and replies "It's a scarf!" 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cubadust Posted August 17, 2018 Share Posted August 17, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post MooseAMuffin Posted August 17, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted August 17, 2018 A man is getting his yearly check-up. Doctor: "You need to stop masturbating." Man: "Why?" Doctor: "Because I am trying to examine you." 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rckymtn22 Posted August 17, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted August 17, 2018 A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it. The machine would take some of the woman's pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden. The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt. The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%. After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep 1 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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