Ken Gargett Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 From: Justin Flecker Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 6.52pm To: David Thorne Subject: Lamp I received your note but you cant go onto other peoples property and take things, that's trespassing. Massanutten is a wooded area and I installed that light for security. It's a safety issue. I can't help it if some of the light goes across the road, close your curtains if it bothers you. From: David Thorne Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 7.41pm To: Justin Flecker Subject: Re: Lamp Hello Justin, Thank you for your email. While I accept that curtains are usually the key to community accord, in this instance they would need to be constructed of eight-inch-thick lead sheeting. Last night, with my curtains closed and bedside light off, I read a book. Wearing sunglasses. Under a blanket. Though unconvinced that blinding local fauna is the best solution, I do understand the heightened need for security living in a wooded area such as the gated community of Massanutten demands. Having formerly lived my entire life in Australia, I am unfamiliar with much of the local wildlife but I did see my first raccoon last week. I stepped outside to have a cigarette and the raccoon, sitting less than five feet away beside an up-ended bin eating the remains of a Domino's Artisan Tuscan Salami pizza, hissed at me. Surprised, I threw myself backwards, rolled several times toward the door, and sprang to my feet holding the welcome-mat above my head to appear taller. Sometime during the roll-spring-mat maneuver, probably during the roll part as it was over gravel and I was wearing shorts and a thin t-shirt so I had to take it slow, the raccoon left. Which probably isn't as exciting a story as it should be but this isn't Borneo and I'm not Jack London. I did see a snake the other day though. I picked up a stick to poke it with which also turned out to be a snake. Jumping back in panic, I threw it away from me, but our dog thought I was playing fetch and I had to run and jump over a creek to get away. As such, this weekend I intend to set up a canister of poisonous gas in my yard with an industrial fan behind it. I can't help it if some of the gas goes across the road. Regards, David. From: Justin Flecker Date: Monday 7 May 2012 2.14pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Lamp Is that meant to be a threat? Put something up in your window if you don't like the light, we lived here 5 years before you even moved into the neighborhood and got along perfectly with Ryan who lived at your property before you. We went to his BBQ's and I loaned him our mower. We get along with all our neighbors. I dont know what you people do in your own country but in this country we dont go onto other peoples property and touch their stuff. From: David Thorne Date: Monday 7 May 2012 3.37pm To: Justin Flecker Subject: Re: Re: Re: Lamp Dear Justin, In my country, terawatt globes are reserved for police helicopter chases and warning sailors of hazardous shoals. This is despite the fact that practically every living creature there can kill you in under three minutes. Our primary spoken language is screaming. I'm not surprised you get along well with all the other neighbours. If you put fifty children with Down's syndrome in a room there is going to be a lot of hugging. And no, it was not a threat. It was an exaggerated response to an uncompromising stance. I was taught never to make a threat unless you are prepared to carry it out and I am not a fan of carrying anything. Even watching other people carrying things makes me uncomfortable. Mainly because of the possibility they may ask me to help. I did consider installing a floodlight as bright as yours, but this would require some form of carrying things, electrical wiring knowledge, and access to a power supply capable of producing that amount of wattage. Probably fusion. As I am told off by my partner for wasting money when I leave the light on in the bathroom overnight, I can only speculate to what her reaction would be to an electricity bill eight times our annual income for retaliatory garden lighting. She would probably have to get a third job. It would be much cheaper to stand in my driveway and throw rocks. I can't help it if some of the rocks go across the road. You should probably put something up in your window. Regards, David. From: Justin Flecker Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.01am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp Did you take our lamp again a**hole? What part about not being allowed to go on our property don't you get? From: David Thorne Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.32am To: Justin Flecker Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp Dear Justin, No, I did not take the light again. I relocated it again. Its current location may be discovered by deciphering the following set of clues to its whereabouts. Perhaps you could invite your friend Ryan over and treat it as a kind of treasure hunt: 1. It's in the letterbox again. 2. Look in the letterbox. As I realise this probably won't narrow it down much for you, I will give you a third clue in the form of a riddle: What burns with the light of a thousand suns and is in the letterbox? Regards, David. From: Justin Flecker Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 11.15am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp I put a smaller lamp in so you can shut the f**k up now. Don't email me again and if you ever trespass on our property again I will press charges. From: David Thorne Date: Tuesday 8 2012 12.02pm To: Justin Flecker Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp Dear Justin, What if I have a barbecue and need to send you an invitation? Is it ok to email you then? Regards, David. From: Justin Flecker Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.18pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp No it's not ok. From: David Thorne Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.27pm To: Justin Flecker Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp Dear Justin, What if I need to borrow your lawn-mower? I can't invite people over for a barbecue and expect them to stand in long grass. Someone might be bitten by a snake. It's a safety issue. Regards, David. From: Justin Flecker Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 3.26pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp F**k off back to Austria. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CanuckSARTech Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 Best line in that whole thing.... "I'm not surprised you get along well with all the other neighbours. If you put fifty children with Down's syndrome in a room there is going to be a lot of hugging." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ohioldd Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 Good one...Kenny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AverageJoe83 Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 The best part is I know people like that Justin. Great post Ken, thanks for sharing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KB24 Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 Crying laughing so hard! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cckandb24 Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 I think this is one of the funniest things Ken has posted, albiet the list of funny things he has posted i.s quite small Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chr0nic Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 Hahaha awesome read Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rushman Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 Nice --- I am here: http://maps.google.com/maps?ll=20.631783,-87.070556 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cigcars Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 *The conflict between the Palestinians and the Israelis; *The conflict of anti-abortionists and Right-to-lifers; *The problem of Taiwan and Tibetan independence from fierce China; ***And now THIS conflict! A wise observer once said; "The greatest tragedies in life are not when right vs. wrong...but when two rights vs. each other", and I do mean when both sides are in the right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BatFastard Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 This is absolutely friggin priceless! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wil Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 that was funny! and i actually made it to the end of one of ken's posts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TexAg Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 I read this about a week ago when a friend of mine emailed it to me. This is hilarious!!! Whoever did this in real life is a genius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
investandprosper Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 Epic!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brazoseagle Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 My side is hurting from laughing so hard! Best line - "....she would have to get a third job." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NJP Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 Laughed so hard their was discharge. Only a little. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Styler Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 I love David Thorne, I've linked his site below for anyone who likes a laugh at lunchtime. I'm particularly fond of the ones with the missing cat and the flatwarming http://www.27bslash6.com/tiiap.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amosnaim Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 This is gold! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CBL Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 Dammit, this guy is genius and now I have an entire website filled with his pranks to read because I can't seem to stop.... the formal complaints from his coworker are killing me. "David Thorne replaced them (business cards) with cards that have my title changed from graphic designer to horse whisperer, I don't know when he changed them so I don't know how many I have given out to people" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maalouly Posted June 5, 2012 Share Posted June 5, 2012 Did he tell him to **** off to Austria? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scdalak Posted June 5, 2012 Share Posted June 5, 2012 Finally Kenny!! A joke worthy of praise!!!!! This was a beauty!!! Well Done.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
android Posted June 5, 2012 Share Posted June 5, 2012 I nearly pissed myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaleehb Posted June 5, 2012 Share Posted June 5, 2012 This is Awesome! Way to go Ken....HA HA! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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