PSA: Know someone with mental health issues? Fight for them!

[Puros Y Vino]

Before I begin.  This thread will be locked. I'm not looking for likes or condolences. I just hope you read it and that it has some value to you should anything you read herein give you pause for caution IRL.  This won't be the most eloquent read as I'm still heartbroken.  But I need to get this off my chest.  I hope you don't mind.

If you plan to read beyond here. Thank you.

---

 

If you suspect someone you know is having mental health issues and worry  that they may do something drastic. For God's sake intervene even if they'll resent you.  My friends and I just had a horrible day.  We couldn't reach a friend for 3 days and went to his apartment to check up on him.  I banged the hell out the door to no avail.  We convinced the superintendant to unlock the door, which fortunately she did.  The door opened but the chain lock on the inside prevented us from getting a good look around.  Plus the door was barricaded with some heavy bins.  We knew our friend was in there because that chain was engaged and moreso due to the acrid smell that came out.  I slammed the door shut and took his GF down to hall to make the 911 call. Firefighters were on the scene in minutes, bolt cutters in hand and face masks on.  These poor guys probably have been to so many of these types of calls that the face mask is standard practice.  They opened the door, cut the chain and pushed through the barricade. The fire fighter who did that warned us to stay back  He the poked his head around the door, got a good look and informed us that our friend, that we'd known for 15+ years was dead and had been so for a few days.  We were crushed.  The EMS, police, coroner and body removal service folks came and did their part, with dignified professionalism I will add.  We waited outside for seven hours from the time of discovery to the moment they wheeled his, large, crumpled body out in a body bag and placed him in the van for his ride to the coroner's office.  His family was estranged somewhat and lived in different provinces and countries. They were the next of kin, they would need to be notified.  Our friend rarely talked about them and certainly didn't leave us any full names or contact info.

 

My good friend loved a beer or two..or six. He was a tall, strapping athletic guy. He could handle it.  Feb/Mar 2017 was bad for him. He was anxious, depressed and started hitting the hard liquor. Non stop.  He'd had few falls, stumbled and cracked his noggin real good, but survived that.  A four day stay in the ER and a confrontation with me days later seemed to have set him straight. He did some detox, he visited his doctor often, took some meds to calm him down, ease him off the liquor and even tried non-alcoholic beer to satiate the craving for the taste.  He appeared to have received the message.  He set some goals and met them. Came out for BBQ's, parties and weekend stays at our friends' cottage.  What we didn't realize was that one of his goals was to hang himself.  That was to be his final act and from what the police said, it looks like he'd been planning it for some time.  He'd avoid having us come over to his place due to it being a mess or that he was busy studying to maintain his professional accreditations or some other reason.  He rarely had us over as we did a lot of hosting at our house or we'd meet up at pubs.  He was a chill, disarming guy and he managed to make us believe that he was turning things around. Not only from what he told us but from the way he acted.  He had a rough childhood and some setbacks but seemed to persevere.  We believed he was going to come out of this.  In the end he lulled us into a false sense of security and executed his secret plan.  

 

The tough guy we knew gave into some long standing demons of which we were aware of and I suspect many more which we were not.  We're left feeling empty and crushed.  He was my friend and he was also my neighbour as he lived a 5 minute walk away. We'd have him over for the odd BBQ a beer and cigars. He loved a Cuban now and then. He's helped me with a dozen or so home projects too.  He was dependable and always willing to lend a hand.  He was the "chillest" guy we knew. We called him "The Dude" ala Big Lebowski.  Only he was cooler and a lot smarter.  These past few days we're picking over what we may have missed, what we could have done better and wondered should we have tried to pry harder.  Most disconcerting was how well he misled his girlfriend nevermind the rest of us.  They've been on/off for years but have always had a solid friendship at the core.  We go back and try to recount what signs we missed, what things we could have done further.  We tell ourselves that his stubborn ass made his mind up and Project Managed the way he was going to go out.  Everyone loved him but in the end he really didn't love himself or feel deserving of it.  He tells me of the ways his family disappointed him over the years, how he yearned for some positive encouragement, not constant criticism.  To hear him talk and to see him handle things lead me to believe that he had this. We all got fooled.  Or did we not see the signs?  We're racking our brains over what we may have missed. Perhaps it's not what we missed but what he hid from us.  We thought it was just the booze, that he had a moment of weakness and that he was fighting to get better.  And it appeared that he was.  We saw the improvements, we saw the drive, but he had an ulterior motive which I can only surmise was a deep sadness in his core.  He took himself out ina violent way during a time of year where a lot of us were not around or assumed he would have other stuff on the go with other friends.  We were wrong.  He left the world and whatever pain it was causing him and left us to pick up a mess.  I'm sure he would apologize if he could. But he can't. I wish he were here so I can chew him out.

 

Goodbye  Dude. I'm fucking pissed off at you!  But we all love you too damn much to let that sit.  Farewell brother.  I hope you found your peace.  We will never forget you. 

 

END.

[Puros Y Vino]

To those of you that sent a PM. Thank you for your kind words and sharing your pain.  I'm finding it helpful.

[Puros Y Vino]

After receiving so many PM's from fellow members I've decided to unlock this thread.  Not for the sake of my mailbox though.  What people have shared with me was very moving and helpful.  Perhaps this would be a good spot for some catharsis on the matter?  If anyone wants to post anything.  Go for it.  Those of you that pm'd me, there's no expectation to publicly share what you privately shared with me.  I do want to say thanks to you all.  The different stories have helped me put things in perspective.

Regards

Frank

[shlomo]

Sorry for your loss Frank. Terrible thing.

Mental health issues come in a spectrum of varying degrees and types and not all are to the extreme. There is help out there. It will rarely come to you however, please, go and take that first step. If anybody in Quebec needs a hand with resources or how to help a loved one, or how to get started with finding the support needed for yourself, please feel free to pm me.

[Optic101]

Sorry for you loss Frank. 

Beyond words. 

May you and your friends find strength day by day. 

[JerseyG]

So sorry for your loss. Peace...

[Cmelle]

Sorry for your loss Frank. 

I'm in Melbourne, Australia, and I have family members dealing with mental health issues myself. If anybody, or anyone use know needs help with anything like this or remotely close to this, please pm me. 

I would make it my number 1 priority.

My thoughts are with you Frank ❤

[soutso]

Well I just learned something new and I'm lucky to have had this ignorance. Thank you and I'm genuinely sorry for your loss and pain. RIP

[El Presidente]

My heart goes out to you Frank. 

It is the scourge of our time affecting too many of us and our mates.  Everyone needs to make an effort to catch up with people regularly. Regularly can be once a week or once a quarter. It can be in person or on the phone....both are vastly superior mediums than online. Don't be afraid to ask the tough questions. 

If mates drop off the radar, reach out. If they don't open up, push. 

We lose too many. 

 

[OZCUBAN]

So sorry for your loss 

it is indeed a scourge of modern times,whilst most of us during our lives will have a run in with the "Black Dog" friendships and people having each other's back cannot be underestimated,I myself consider my self to be blessed with so many good friends from this forum and many of us have each other's backs.especially the Perth crew we are a tight knit bunch who always look out for another and like we say "it's cheaper than therapy " the power of friendship and Cigars CANNOT be underestimated 

hope these words and the words of others here can give you some sort of solace 

  Cheers my friend 

Steve 

[Frozen North]

Sorry for your loss. You wouldn't believe how many people struggle with this issue/disease. It is truly an epidemic. Our healthcare system cannot handle what's out there. Never disregard anyone who may be suffering. 

[TheBaron]

Touching story and thanks for sharing what is obviously a very difficult circumstance. Condolences for your loss, mate.

Having lost an aunt and an uncle at their own hands, I understand what you're going through (not that it makes it any easier to deal with or understand).

They say suicide doesn't take away the pain, it just passes it on to someone else. I really believe that to be the case.

Take care of yourself Frank and lean on the FoH community for as much or as little support as you need.

Time to go hug my loved ones...

[Puros Y Vino]

Thanks everyone. This has been very helpful.  Everyday is getting a little bit better. This week we'll be getting some of his ashes, the majority of it will be placed next to his mother and grandmother (his wishes).  We're going to prep for a wake and focus on the positive.

[vladdraq]

Sorry for your loss man...may his soul rest in peace.

You're a great friend, surely your bud knew that. Sometimes you have to let things go on their own way, your bud whatever he had on his soul he knew what he was doing, a sad horrible thing , but maybe the best for him. You'll never know. I wish he found peace.  

Don't blame yourself, you're a great friend.

 

 

 

[wabashcr]

Thanks for sharing this.  Often in discussions involving suicide, there's a debate about how the act can be selfish, and what it does to those left to pick up the pieces.  To me that just illustrates how we can never possibly understand the pain and darkness one must be trapped in to even consider ending one's own life.  I think to most people, it's not the easy way out, but in their minds, the only way out.  Consider how f'd up that sounds, and that should give you a better idea of what's going through their heads.

I've dealt with depression and anxiety myself over the years, which has led me to some pretty bad places.  Instead of facing down my demons, I self-medicated and ran from it, which is the worst thing you can do.  I'm in a much better place now, but it's something I'll probably always be fighting in some form or fashion.  Family, friends, medication and therapy, all have their place in a comprehensive solution.  With the right balance, better days are always possible.  Having people reach out when times are bad, or even when times are ok, can mean the world to someone battling mental illness. 

[Fosgate]

Sorry for your loss. I too have lost friends to this and almost lost myself at a low spot in my life. 

I grew up with a couple of good friends who were twins. My brother hunted with them regularly. Randy and Ryan worked together in the small town we grew up with. While Ryan married his high school sweetheart and had his stuff together, Randy was single for a few years before getting married and a start on his family. Randy eventually got married and had two children. Randy, still the fun loving guy I always knew had married a woman who was fairly a controlling woman and seemed to be opposite of what Randy was, but they seemed happy together. 

One day I get a phone call from my brother rambling "Randy's gone, ....". He never rambles. I verbally slapped him over the phone and he told me what happened. My brother, Randy and Ryan had just gone deer hunting but hadn't seen anything. They were all joking and having fun and dropped Randy off at his house. My brother then went and dropped off Ryan a few miles away and realized Randy had left a pair of gloves in his truck. He went back to Randy's house and found Randy dead on the ground and blood all over. My brother was talking to me in the truck as he was waiting for law enforcement and ambulances to come. 

We later found out that Randy had a fight with his wife, she served him divorce papers and she was going to try and prevent him from seeing their children  several weeks before. Ryan was aware of it and thought Randy had come to terms with the trauma and had laid plans to move forward with his life. Investigators found that Randy must have planned his suicide days before and soon as he had been dropped off he walked to an abandoned car in his shelter belt of trees by his house. There he placed a suicide note, turned his .243 deer rifle on himself and pulled the trigger. It didn't kill him at first. He got out of the car and tried to make it back to his house before he went down and bled out. 

At the funeral I remember hearing so many times the typical comments people made, "Selfish..", "Left the kids alone without a father", "Wish we knew he was having problems", "I don't understand why he did it." etc. This was the 4th person I have known that has killed themselves over the years. I also faced my father a few years ago as he was about to descend into his bout with Alzheimer as his 3 sisters and brother had done before him as he talking about hoping he would die before it happened. He was terrified and is currently full blown with the mind of a toddler. Things I have seen in common with suicide have coincided with major life traumatic experiences. Loss of a loved one, Job or income, Divorce and Old age are what I have observed are the highest at risk. 

I myself have gone through a job loss, not sure what I am going to do. Sudden Divorce and not knowing where I was going to live that night or do. I found out very quickly who my friends and family really were as many scatter like roaches to light just as I had seen happen to others. Many of these I have made comments in the past.."Suicide is stupid, selfish etc". I remember it pissed me off. At that moment I really felt I understood why many people kill themselves. It wriggled it's way into my mind and I always thought I would never even consider the possibility. However, at that point in my life I had never felt more alone. If it had not been for one or two friends or family members that stepped forward when I asked for help (and I had swallowed my pride and asked for help from other friends) I don't know what would have happened. I've been strong and independent most of my life so it would have been tough and I would have lived out of my car if I had to. 

I bounced back like I always do. I took stock in my life of the people who matter to me and are positive in my life. I look forward at the brighter things in life and cut out friends and family who abandoned me when I needed them most. I may be an azzhole to them, but I don't have the filter in situations like this to be nice and told them exactly why they failed me and I'm leaving them behind. I found a woman that brings balance to my life and could not be happier as we plan our future together and work on our own family. 

[Frozen North]

For those people that call suicide a selfish act. There is NO WAY in the world that you could imagine the hell that the mentally ill go through on a daily basis. My son was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder July 2012. He was a gifted child, honor role through school, with no effort. Had his engineering degree at age 22. But his disease ate him alive. I saw, and lived his nightmare with him until he took his own life Feb 12/2014. I have NEVER seen anyone suffer as much as I did him. It is hard to describe the hell and pain that he went through. He was being tossed around our Canadian healthcare system( which FUCKING SUCKS) like a ping pong ball. Their solution was to medicate him, and toss him out the door. I tried everything that I could for him. He had completely fallen apart. I could see the pain and anguish in his eyes every day. Although I didn't know that he was going to take his own life. But he told me in a letter, that, the pain and sorrow that he had was just too much for his broken brain to bare. He didn't want to go on living in the constant agony that his life had become. So, he ended his life to ease his pain. he didn't think of the consequences of his actions. Or how that would affect those that he left behind. He WASN'T being selfish. I don't hate him for what he'd done. I'm not mad at him for what he'd done. I'm just very very sad that this poor soul felt that this was his only option. None of us know what these poor people go through. Nor do we know the level of despair that they feel. I'm sure, that they all would like to be normal(whatever that is) They never asked for their disease. So, as they say. Unless you've walked a mile in their shoes. Keep your judgemental attitude to yourselves.

[LGC]

Most people in this world will never be able to understand and relate to those suffering severe depression and anxiety. It's a medical condition that one doesn't simply shake off like a hangover. I have an extremely supportive wife, and was able to make changes and feel the support needed. Sometimes it's necessary to make major changes in life, along with major relationships. At a certain point, it didn't matter whether or not friends and family agreed with the changes... even my parents. Sufferers should not be afraid to speak out to anyone in seek of help. Depression is a medical condition and nothing to be ashamed about. Those whom are not being 100% supportive or telling you to just shake it off do not need to be in your life. It like telling a cancer patient to take some meds, cheer up, and everything will be fine. Making statements about being selfish, etc. shows a complete lack of understanding and lack of willingness to self educate. It takes major life changes, everyday changes, and solid support to deal with it. Don't be afraid to reach out for help if in need. There are many resources and support groups willing to lend a hand.

[Puros Y Vino]

Thanks to all that shared their stories here.  Since my friend Derek died, we've been cleaning up his apartment and going through his things for his family.  They're elderly and in another province so we are glad to help. It's been a bit sobering and cathartic to do this.  We've learned more about his troubles, his past and what he went through on a daily basis. I saw firsthand what he was working towards and it conflicts with the way he chose to go out.  He had suffered a serious concussion weeks before and now it makes us wonder how much that contributed to his decision.  I was mad at Derek initially but now it makes more sense.  Nonetheless, I wish we knew what he was going through.  He did too good of a job keeping it to himself.

[mash]

Very sorry to hear about your friend.  If someone wants to kill themselves, they unfortunately will.  It sounds like he had been planning this for a while.  Sometimes, a person with depression will show an elevation in their mood.  Usually, this is a positive sign.  However, it can also signify relief once they have decided on suicide.  I bet his recent concussion is not coincidental.  Also, alcohol is disinhibiting and really raises suicide risk.

He knew what he was doing, and there is no way you could have intervened.  I've been dealing with mental health patients for 30 years, and most of us have had to deal with suicide.  We ask ourselves the same questions you did, and it's hard not to feel some personal responsibility.  But, the reality is, suicide is not always preventable.

It is not necessarily a selfish act.  It's an act of pain, desperation, and hopelessness that things will get better.