Day 126 of the Ken Cuban Presidency

[El Presidente]

It had been a tumultuous 10 days since President Obama left Havana to seek reconstructive surgery from a “flesh wound” resulting from President kens blow torch misdemeanour.

The Cuban populace and the worlds press were nervous. “Great White Hope...or Dope?” was my favourite headline from the "Sun Herald".

President ken had been in a foul mood since the ‘Misstep”. After six days on a bender we finally managed to sober up and send Foreign Minister Goretta on a “Kiss arse” mission to the US.

Maximus Robusto and Jose had intelligence reports of an uneasiness in the Cuban countryside where people were beginning to feel left out of a revolution which appeared to be more and more Havana centric. Both Maximus and Jose could see an great opportunity to take the people’s mind off the recent Administration blunders by “taking the Cabinet to the Country”.

1:30 pm at the Havana Club Presidetial palace. Lunch was being served on the terrace overlooking the turquoise Straits of Florida. Smithy was lighting his Partagas D4.....and pretended to burn himself.

Ken “ That’s not funny Smithy!”

Smithy “Sorry Presidente....I don’t know what came over me”

Jose” Presidente ken, you are long overdue to make a 5 day trip to the Cuban countryside to engage the people”

Ken “ Are we going to Santiago?”

Maximus “ No Presidente...we are going to see farms and mix with rural Cubans and share their day to day lives, provide encouragement, hope, release some new agriculture policies, hold some babies.”

Ken “ Hamlet can you please pass the Lobster tails”

Ken:" Smithy, will we have Satellite communications?"

Smithy: "yes ken...I personally launched two this week + a space shuttle"

Ken “Excellent. I am not really big on “rural” Maximus. I have never really got the whole “flies and dirt” thing”

Hamlet “Batista was much the same”

Ken “ I resent that remark! I am a man of the people! My door is always open to the poorest of the poor! Jose.....can you pass the caviar?.....and the bottle of Dom please”

Jose “Presidente...there is an impression in some areas ...unfounded of course....that you are a....how do I say it.....” a Tosser”.

Smithy “Jose...are you saying that people think he is a tosser outside of Cabinet?”

Presidente ken rose to his feet pointing to the distance.

Ken “ Completely Preposterous! Let no man say I am not in tune with the country folk of Cuba. Bring me my RM Williams boots and Oil Skin Coat! We ride at sunset for the country!”

.....none of us mentioned he was pointing to Florida.

The following daywe left Smithy waving to us middle finger extended and a few hours later we were 30 minutes west of Pinar Del Rio on the Farm of Senor Pedro Montoya. Jose had designed a program in the first 90 days of Presidente Kens administration to make Cuba self sufficient in terms of all agricultural produce as well as make Cuba a world leader in the breeding of Angus cattle. As a goodwill gesture from the Australian Government, 100,000 Angus cattle had arrived in Cuba the two months prior and they had been distributed to 1000 newly formed Cuban farming co-operatives across the island.

The Cabinet walked the fields led by Senor Pedro Montoya. Ken was resplendent in his akubra hat as he went to knee and took a handful of soil....looking wistfully into the distance...waiting for the Granma photographer to take the shot.

Ken: “ Hmmmm Interesting”

Hamlet: “Presidente.......it’s ******* dirt”

Maximus: “Don’t overdo it Ken”

Ken: “Don’t worry Maximus, I visited a farm when I was ten. Lovely family holiday although if I recall there was a rather forgettable episode with a sexually confused horse”

Hamlet: “You slept with Mr Ed?

Ken: “Life brings many trials Hamlet. They all make you the stronger.”

Maximus: “For Heavens sake ken....focus and keep your voice down.”

Jose: “Presidente, I will translate your questions for Pedro Montoya”

Ken: “ No need Jose”

Ken” Seniooor Montoya...Cuanto Leche each.... moo moo”

Jose “ Presidente.......they are beef cattle”

Ken: “OK OK ...I have a good one “Cuanto moo moo Live in that Barno”

Hamlet: “That’s is not a “barno” Presidente idiota. That is his “House”. And for future reference...cows are vaca’s...not ******* moo moo’s. ”

Maximus: “Ken...shut up! Jose....please ask him how the Cattle have settled into Cuban conditions and whether there are any perceived problems.”

Ken: “ Oooo Oooo I know this one! “ Seniooor Montoya, Vaca’s are mucho happy?”

Montoya “ Presidente....Yo no hablo ingles”

Hamlet “ Perfecto...el no abla espanyol”

Ken: “What did Mr Montoya say?”

Jose:” The cattle are deliriously happy and should yield 54 claves this year increasing the herd capacity to over 150 cattle. At that rate of growth and with good management in a semen trade scheme with Panama we should achieve a herd of 500 cattle within 5 years.”

Ken:” Excellent...he lost me at “ablo” but I got the general gist.”

We have all learned that Ken is a loaded gun in unscripted ‘walk about” politics. However I take my hat off to him in that what he does well in...he excels. Two hours later at the outside BBQ in Pedro Montoya’s farm President ken led the way in a full blooded rendition of “Guantanamera” followed by “When Doves cry”. The local farmers obviously had not listened to a lot of music by “Prince” but Hamlet translated that it was a song about pigeon breeding and the painful laying of eggs. Still, rum, cigars and music were flowing and locals gained a new respect for a Presidente who laughed, drank copiously, smoked and danced until the wee hours of the morning. In the end even Ken had had enough and asked where was the local four star accommodation. A half cut Hamlet looked at ken in the eyes, smiled and said:

“The Barno....Presidente....we are staying in ...”The Barno”

To be continued

[Tampa1257]

Four Star accomodations! LMAO, I guess we are lucky President ken didn't require Five Star accomodations!

[demiurgic]

LOL!!!!

Smithy pretending to burn himeself, reminding Ken of the Obammer espisode was especially nifty Prez! LOL!!!

[tigger]

“Batista was much the same”

[laficion]

The Cuban populace and the worlds press were nervous. “Great White Hope...or Dope?” was my favourite headline from the "Sun Herald".

“The Barno....Presidente....we are staying in ...”The Barno”

Thanks El Prez, keep them coming.

[aavkk]

another classic and I really look forward to meeting you characters when I head to Brisbane early 2011. I cant wait!

[thechenman]

Once again Prez...great job. Highly entertaining.

[First Lady]

I always seem to be sent to clean up the mess Thanks Presidente Ken

[jquest63]

LOL!! President survives another day! A forgettable and not regrettable episode with a sexually confused horse at ten. Oh my! That poor horse.

[asmith]

Pass the lobster tails and caviar.. LOL

[maalouly]

haha ... keep them coming Rob.

[Kangaroo495]

Where are the Castros by the way? How did Ken manage to get power from them? Was there (or will there be) a meeting between Ken and Fidel...?